lila

for the first time in a while I feel change's grasp. maybe change is the wrong word...i choose instead time...not time, but instead another term that is not known to I. staring at pictures of my family celebrating a birthday i realize that this world changes drastically around us. though we feel the same day in day out we know we are changing though we can not see it as clearly as others do. like the sunset i seen last evening, the sun sets over the hills appearing to move quite quickly. but when it is at its peak in the sky we notice know movement. i'm afraid of the possibility of seeing that last quick movement in some that i love, even myself sometime. "get busy living or get busy dying" - shawshank redemption, sounds silly but i've always been struck by that line and felt a need to strive to live by its teachings. "no trade backs" - pearl jam, a line that hit me while driving on M-31 south towards chum's corners in my honda civic. why do i remember this cause i knew that in those three words held a bible on how to trance through this life that i have been given. to take every opportunity, cause it may not be there again, it may not EVER come again!

i worry like everyone of my choices. i try to look objectively before choosing from my choices as to see WHY i'm truly doing what i'm doing, WHY i'm going where i'm going, and for WHAT am i doing this for. i'm selfish. i like everyone does things for themselves. everyone chooses based on what will do them best. they may disguise it as a noble thing such as charity or forgiveness or sacrafice, but the truth is we choose that which we will benefit from the most. if given the chance to steal or not we may or may not take not depending on how moral we are but rather how guilty we will feel afterwards, or how well we are at disguising it, convincing ourselves that it is something else. i have never stole, cause i know i would feel guilty and the theft would not be worth the guilt i would feel. but another may steal because they feel it is their right. maybe simply their right cause their chances are limited and they must take or never get. or simply because they will feel little guilt and would relish in the ownership more than anyone else, thus justifying it and making it a livable give and...take.

there are many wants i want out of life. thus my buddhist learnings have not taken hold as of yet. buddhism is striving towards a life without desire. contentment for what is there and all the gifts that this universe has. and for the most part i am happy with what i have been given, have taken, and have received. but i do want more. i want to be many things, and be many things i will be. not all what i wanted to be however. for we adapt, we change, we choose to become, something other than what we once thought we would be, and that is the beauty and the mysticism of life. how that all takes place and to where we end up and to what finale we will be raised to. i'm not looking for a legacy. but i continue to strive towards that which will make me more real, and more like i think i should.

my grandmother is 80 and has no sign of slowing. my aunt is 50 something and has cancer and i'm worried for her. just retiring in the last few years she has begun to travel and move her life away from work which has grasped it tightly for many years. life is precious and i have been fortunate to hold onto most of those whom i love, and i pray for this to continue. reality check, gut check in progress.

my inspirations come hard and i hope to find meaning and expression to them so that they may never be lost, and to be for not.